Ghost

by Noelani K.

Once upon a time, I hated you. 

I hated you because you hurt my friend. I remember hearing about how they cried when you told them no. I remember how every student turned against you. You were the talk of the school, both ridiculed and pitied. 

And I remember how that hatred faded from the eyes of everyone else. 

But I will not forgive you. You and your endless tide of admirers because you are so perfect. So out of reach. 

Even so, I can’t help but admire you. To like you. 

I am drawn in by your magnetic personality, your easy smiles, your careless laugh. 

But I do not have the courage to speak to you. When you talk to me, even just a simple hello, I lose my breath. 

Perfect. 

I say I hate you, but I don’t. These thoughts spark the war that rages in my mind, I hate you, I love you, I hate you, I love you. 

I can’t decide. 

But while I fight within myself, I notice something. 

You have no friends of your own. You have admirers, and people you can confide in. But you shift. You change the tide. I see you with some people, and I see you without them. 

You always act so differently around each and every one of them. 

And at night I lay in bed and wonder, Who are you, really? 

Confident, easygoing, popular?

Insecure, struggling, lonely? 

Adults say Middle School is rocky, and that everything changes. When you emerge from it, you will be a new person. 

I see the same in you. 

People are always crowding around you, calling your name. Desperate to know if you ever give them a second thought. Because everyone wants to be your friend, everyone wants to be more than your friend. You have a wait list. Everyone wants to be on it. 

And even if I hate to admit it, I do, too. 

And I can’t stop. Grappling with the feelings I have for you: love and hate, hate and love. 

I want you to notice me. 

But when you look at me, you leave me tongue-tied. In the hallways, in the classrooms. Everywhere. If I can’t speak to you, how am I supposed to be your friend? 

How am I supposed to be more than your friend? 

So I say nothing. Trapped in this silence that I continuously grow sick of, day after day after day. 

I only help you because I don’t know what to say when I face you, when my eyes find your eyes and you leave me speechless. 

But you can speak. 

You speak so, so much. My thoughts dwell on every word, searching for a sign, something that can reassure me that you don’t see me. 

Even though I secretly wish you would. 

“Thank you.” You say when I hold the door open for you, a gracious smile from a polite acquaintance. My eyes track you, like a hunter never losing sight of her prey. As I walk by, my arms laden with my books and binder and laptop, my gaze lingers on you in the hallways when you laugh with your admirers, your companions. 

I am not an admirer. 

I am not your companion. 

For now, I am no one to you. A specter in your life. 

And even if I hate to admit it, even if I tell myself I hate you, I want to be more than just a ghost. 

I want you to notice me. 

And if there’s a chance that maybe, just maybe, I don’t have to be a ghost? 

I think I am willing to take that risk. 

But if I do, will you follow me? 

Or will I never be anything but your ghost? 

About the Author 

Noelani K is a 7th grader in the Bay Area. She is an avid reader, writer, and gardener. She hopes to see the world someday.